When the tears hit out of the blue…..

Have you ever been driving and you just well up?  Sitting there making dinner and it hits you?  Wake up in the middle of the night and just start crying for no reason?

It is maddening to not know the meaning behind the tears.  Especially when you have been the strong one for so long.  Not letting the little things get in your way, always smiling and telling people I am great how are you?  Because in reality if I were to say, ” I am depressed, I miss my parents, I miss the thought of family get together’s, I miss my daughter not knowing my parents more” most people would politely smile and run away.  That is the unfortunate thing about society everyone wants to be in your business but no one wants to help you through it.  Then unfortunately we read about you in the paper or hear about you in text message…. Did you hear what happened to ________________?  I guess he/she couldn’t deal with life anymore, or he/she went crazy and checked into a facility or worse he/she is missing left his/her family and all.

Well I have felt the tears out of the blue and believe me it is not fun. I have been sitting at my desk at work and just start crying have to get up shut my door or hurry to the bathroom.  I have been cooking dinner and eyes get glassy, or driving home when all I want to do is pick up the phone and talk about my day to my momma.  It was our thing because many nights once I walk in the house its non stop mom this or mom that.  I just want 15-20 mins of quality catch up time with my momma and daddy if he was up to talking.  To know I will never talk to them again until I reach heaven is probably the hardest thing to grasp.  To not get the nod or hug of approval on an accomplishment well done.  You know what pisses me off the most????? People that have their parents and don’t appreciate it.  I know some of you reading this might have other struggles with parents and I get it and respect it.  But for the ones that don’t have issues why are you not calling them daily, visiting more frequently, appreciating the little things now cause let me  tell you something…….. I would give a limb to have one more call, one more hug or one more day with my parents.

I ask this if you still have your parents please make an extra effort this holiday season to reach out more, make a mends if you are not 100% speaking.  You only get one blood set of parents and make it count!

Have lost your tribe?

Life was great!  Laughing, partying, girls giggling and such.  The days before marriages, jobs, babies, divorces etc.  So why is it that women believe they need to stop doing all this just because of the fore mentioned things?  I mean just because you got married, gave birth you still a woman.  You still need girl time.  There are some things you just can’t tell your husband or significant other.  Things only your “tribe” will understand because for the most part they have been there through it all.  The ups/downs, the job loss, the heartbreaks of a relationship, death and whatever else life has thrown at you.  Stop for one minute right now and think of the person that would drop it all for you and rush to your side as soon as you text or call no questions asked.  Not a family member, but to be real sometimes blood wouldn’t do that for you.  Now back to your “ride or die”  when is the last time you spent quality time with that person?  When is the last time you made them feel appreciated?  When is the last time you didn’t make an excuse to not hang out?  If it’s taking you a minute to think about this then maybe you should pick up the phone and resolve that time lapse.  Cause you never know when you will need them and if they are feeling less important in your life because of a new relationship, job or whatever else is in the way then they might not pick up the phone next time.

I recently rented Girl’s Trip and I confirmed what I already knew, my tribe is gone.  Over the last 10 yrs the tribe has drifted apart and some remained together but didn’t include others.  I can’t tell you the last time the tribe was together as a group for a fun girls night out….. hmm yes I can it was 5-6 yrs ago as FB TimeHop reminded me the other day.  It is not for lack of trying.  I tend to be the one that always made the plans, set the time and place and after a while that got old because it started to be a reason one way or another some couldn’t show up.

Again these blog’s are not a pity party but more a release of frustrations and thinking maybe you reading this can identify and I want you to know you are not alone.  Finding a tribe is really hard and at the age of 47 I don’t think I can invest my time to find a “new” tribe.  If you have a tribe hold tight and love them hard.   I would like to rekindle the old tribe and I am right here as I always am, waiting for the call or invite.  If it doesn’t happen that is ok cause I will take myself to the girl movies, I will take myself to dinner and have a drink cause I love me and I know I can count on me always!tribe.png

When the FUNK hits……

What do you do?  Do you purge your way through? Crawl up under a blanket and cry it away? or do you say F*%k it and forget the subject matter of the funk behind?

Purge your way through, that is what I have always done and I think that is where some of my recent grief discovery came from.  I was always moving on, masking the issue and yet it lingered inside of me kinda like a horrible disease.  Nothing ever got solved or “cured” but it would go away temporarily.  But it made e feel better and able to move past it.

Crawl under a blanket and cry it away.  Well that is easy if you live alone but when you are married and have a child not so easy.  I could emotional eat but what does that do?  Nothing, except fix the pain temporarily and make my tummy hurt or gain a few pounds I have fought over the last 2 yrs to lose.  Not really my style anymore and I am thankful for that.  But to be honest hot buttery popcorn from the movie theater has been on my mind for 2 weeks now and I have yet to act on it.  I still have weaknesses, I’m human.

To say F*%k it and move on is wayyyyyyyyyy harder than I wished it was.  This is where the caring person inside of me lives.  The person that wants to be surrounded by amazing people, and to thrive off each of them.  Where you can agree to disagree and don’t feel like its a personal hit each time they respond to you.  When you remember a time that laughter was all you had and there was no emotional egg shells that you were walking on.  When your goals were similar yet one didn’t get there as fast or as easy.  Yet that person felt left behind no matter how hard they try or how much they try to put it out of their mind so that it doesn’t cloud the vision of the end goal.  When you didn’t allow a person in your life to take you away from your “other” life…..the friends life.  When you didn’t have a 100 excuses why you can’t do something because of another persons input.

I have “allowed” the people around me lately disappoint me.  It might not be their fault. I haven’t changed.  I am still me, might be going through some things emotionally but in my opinion that is when the real friends step up and make sure you are OK.  They will know how far to go and what the right things to say are.  But then again sometimes I have to remember that they are consumed with other things in life and you are not that important to them with your emotional trials and tribulations. You don’t come first anymore like you used to whether it has been 30 yrs of friendship or 1.  People change I get that, but when you get to this point in life you are ready to settle down with “your tribe” and I am to damn old to be finding a new tribe at this point. I want to be pick up the phone and text or call and act like nothing has changed or time hasn’t passed.  With a new tribe that takes time and well time is not always on our side.

What I do know that from today forward I will not be waiting around to be called, texted, loved or checked in on.  I will still be here if you want to chat, hang out or whatever but I have truly missed doing a lot of things in the last year waiting around for others.  That is not my style and I allowed it to happen.  No more, so if you want to do things reach out with a plan I am tired of making the plans and waiting for others to accept.  If you want to just catch up call me lets chat I am free each day from 5:15-5:40 in the car M-F.  If you need me call me, I will be there in a heartbeat and I have proven that many times over for many people.

Please do not misconstrue this blog as a pity party.  Keep in mind this is a blog as defined by Merriam Webster

a website that contains online personal reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks, videos and photographs provided by the writer

I am writing this blog to get my feelings out, to let people know they are not alone.  If someone reads this that is in my life and they say “is this me she is talking about” ? well then maybe you should take a moment and reflect on your actions with me and in your own life.  I will never call a name out or acknowledge this is about you as I don’t feel the need.  I just want to get things off my chest and keep me off the therapists couch and out of the loony bin (that is a joke people, I am fine I just get in these funks and now I am learning to identify them and work through them)

In closing I want you all to know I love each and everyone of you that reads this.  I also want to shout out my amazing husband and daughter for loving me through good, bad and the ugly.  They are my world and the only 2 I count on daily.

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Mom?

Can you identify with this?  Dad’s can you identify with this?

What is the breaking point that you know when its time for a time out for you?  What does your timeout look like?

For me today is one of those days.  I woke up this morning wanting to just lay around, watch HGTV, DVR and nap.  But as I looked around the house I knew I can’t lay around and waste the day.  I had laundry to fold and wash more.  I needed to go to the grocery and do some meal prep.  I knew my time frame was limited as we had to get to a girl scout meeting today at pm.  So I chose to lay around until pm.  I went to fold the 2 loads of laundry that was sitting all week.  I put the sheets from all the beds into wash and left for girl scouts.

I had 1.5 hours to do some things for my home based while sitting at the library during her meeting.  I got 2 things accomplished from that list and I felt good.  I grabbed dinner (not fast food technically) and home I went.   I ran to the store to grab a few things to get us by until Monday/Tuesday when I can meal prep for the week.  Then I made brownies for my amazing husband per his request.  I also snuck in making breakfast mini omelettes for the week.  I come upstairs to see what is going on with laundry and it wasn’t where I thought it should be and I lost it. Yes my husband took the wrath in a short and sweet snarky comment I made. So then I start helping make the bed in my daughters bed and my back was hurting so I couldn’t do it and she wasn’t doing it as fast as I liked and I snipped at her.  At that point I removed myself from all and here I sit in time out.  I am blogging about it cause I feel like that is my therapy on how to NOT do this again.  Now it didn’t take me long to figure out what I did wrong and how to TRY not to do it again.

The result was I procrastinated all day, fell behind and then it became everyone’s fault.  I know it was my fault too but I was snipping at everyone around me.

Now I am about to cut up brownies for my family and give the peace offering.

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It will still be my “HAPPY PLACE”

I went to bed last night after a long weekend of working my 9-5 since it was quarter end and I was exhausted.  Our daughter text me from her room at 1:21am saying the dog was barking.  I listened I heard nothing and then she replied she stopped.  Great now I am wide awake as I have had a good 2-3 hours of sleep.  I get up use the bathroom and crawl back into bed and look at Face Book.  I scroll for about 2 mins and one of the groups I belong to is a Vegas board and someone had posted 2 mins prior active shooter at Mandalay Bay.  I was like “lord Jesus, lil punks”.  Then 5 mins later someone posts active shooter at Luxor.  It continued for about 15 mins as it went up strip with the casinos finally ending at Harrah’s.  I jumped on the Police scanner and started to listen and found out it was 1 shooter and they were about to storm his 32nd floor room.  There were no other casinos involved just MB and the concert venue below.

I watched news channels FB Live, the police scanner became jumbled so I stopped listening.  I finally laid back down at 3:30 said a silent prayer and went back to sleep.  I woke up at 5:30 and my husband didn’t know yet.  When he got back in bed I told him.  At that point more new channels were live and I started listening again.  I couldn’t wrap my head around it yet and all I wanted to know was it in fact terrorism on MY Happy Place?  How could it be?  Next to Disneyland/world this is the happiest place on earth for ADULTS.  Why would someone ruin that persona? I will not let this savage ruin my love of the city or my memories.

Now we are about 14 hours after the worst mass shooting in US history and I still don’t understand why.  I will wait to see what the investigators figure out from his home, his roommate when she returns to the country and so forth.

My prayers and love to the families, friends and fellow concert goers that are now living with this for the rest of their lives.  Loss of a loved one, the images of seeing people gunned down from an unknown source right in front of you.  I pray they all seek help and assistance the resources are there when YOU are ready.Vegsd.jpg