What do you do? Do you purge your way through? Crawl up under a blanket and cry it away? or do you say F*%k it and forget the subject matter of the funk behind?
Purge your way through, that is what I have always done and I think that is where some of my recent grief discovery came from. I was always moving on, masking the issue and yet it lingered inside of me kinda like a horrible disease. Nothing ever got solved or “cured” but it would go away temporarily. But it made e feel better and able to move past it.
Crawl under a blanket and cry it away. Well that is easy if you live alone but when you are married and have a child not so easy. I could emotional eat but what does that do? Nothing, except fix the pain temporarily and make my tummy hurt or gain a few pounds I have fought over the last 2 yrs to lose. Not really my style anymore and I am thankful for that. But to be honest hot buttery popcorn from the movie theater has been on my mind for 2 weeks now and I have yet to act on it. I still have weaknesses, I’m human.
To say F*%k it and move on is wayyyyyyyyyy harder than I wished it was. This is where the caring person inside of me lives. The person that wants to be surrounded by amazing people, and to thrive off each of them. Where you can agree to disagree and don’t feel like its a personal hit each time they respond to you. When you remember a time that laughter was all you had and there was no emotional egg shells that you were walking on. When your goals were similar yet one didn’t get there as fast or as easy. Yet that person felt left behind no matter how hard they try or how much they try to put it out of their mind so that it doesn’t cloud the vision of the end goal. When you didn’t allow a person in your life to take you away from your “other” life…..the friends life. When you didn’t have a 100 excuses why you can’t do something because of another persons input.
I have “allowed” the people around me lately disappoint me. It might not be their fault. I haven’t changed. I am still me, might be going through some things emotionally but in my opinion that is when the real friends step up and make sure you are OK. They will know how far to go and what the right things to say are. But then again sometimes I have to remember that they are consumed with other things in life and you are not that important to them with your emotional trials and tribulations. You don’t come first anymore like you used to whether it has been 30 yrs of friendship or 1. People change I get that, but when you get to this point in life you are ready to settle down with “your tribe” and I am to damn old to be finding a new tribe at this point. I want to be pick up the phone and text or call and act like nothing has changed or time hasn’t passed. With a new tribe that takes time and well time is not always on our side.
What I do know that from today forward I will not be waiting around to be called, texted, loved or checked in on. I will still be here if you want to chat, hang out or whatever but I have truly missed doing a lot of things in the last year waiting around for others. That is not my style and I allowed it to happen. No more, so if you want to do things reach out with a plan I am tired of making the plans and waiting for others to accept. If you want to just catch up call me lets chat I am free each day from 5:15-5:40 in the car M-F. If you need me call me, I will be there in a heartbeat and I have proven that many times over for many people.
Please do not misconstrue this blog as a pity party. Keep in mind this is a blog as defined by Merriam Webster
I am writing this blog to get my feelings out, to let people know they are not alone. If someone reads this that is in my life and they say “is this me she is talking about” ? well then maybe you should take a moment and reflect on your actions with me and in your own life. I will never call a name out or acknowledge this is about you as I don’t feel the need. I just want to get things off my chest and keep me off the therapists couch and out of the loony bin (that is a joke people, I am fine I just get in these funks and now I am learning to identify them and work through them)
In closing I want you all to know I love each and everyone of you that reads this. I also want to shout out my amazing husband and daughter for loving me through good, bad and the ugly. They are my world and the only 2 I count on daily.